why are we going so fast
my brake pads are worn and i am scared of mechanics
as i write this, i am staring at two giant yellow sticky notes filled with tasks i am to complete. every time i lift my eyes from my computer, these giant yellow blocks on the wall fill my vision as dread fills my soul.
i put them there to help me stay on track, which is funny because all they serve to remind me is of how impending everything seems to be. and the more i add the less i feel that i can do. and then i get even more frustrated because i feel far behind. and not just at work. in life.
the sticky notes don’t matter. not truly. it is the overwhelming feeling that i will never be where i need to be because there will always be something else that i need to do. i mean, i am 22 years old and feel like i already need to have everything that 40 year olds have.
i need a husband, kids, a mortgage, thousands of dollars saved up. the list is never-ending. instead of doing anything that i want to do or chasing my dreams, i am stuck because i want so much and can’t be compelled to get myself there for shear fatigue.
it all just feels so fast. think about it. a century ago, most people didn’t even have cars. every task was a slow task. now, with a supercomputer in my pocket, i have more power than ever to quickly complete tasks.
the overload of information, however, has me stuck in a cycle of endless scrolling to avoid the work. and the scrolling DOES NOT help. with every scroll i find someone who is ahead of me. someone else is doing the thing i haven’t even figured out how to want yet.
and yeah, I KNOW: “comparison is the thief of joy”; “everyone moves at their own pace.” obviously i get that. doesn’t change the fact that i am unable to pry my phone out of my hand to quit looking at the lives of thousands of other people on the daily.
how do i even do it? how do i slow down and just live my life without feeling like there is some perpetual to-do list holding a knife to my throat. and how do i actually accomplish the things that i want if i always freeze up at the thought?
it is not that i am not motivated. i am. i just can’t do it. i don’t understand what is holding me back. i want so much, and yet the weight of wanting makes me too tired to move. too tired to even try.
maybe that’s the real problem. not the sticky notes. not the goals. not the phone. just this quiet, heavy fear that i’ll never catch up. that i’ll always be a little too late to everything.
but i know that that is a lie, and i end up back where i started. great!
-H